All last week I had a column on my mind, so much was happening it felt like I had five columns of things to write about. A good appointment on Tuesday showing the wonderful grace of God was my idea. Then as the storm rolled into town and I saw how so many prepared for Hurricane Helene, I couldn’t help but think what kind of world we would live in if we prepared for the coming back of Christ with as much vigor. By the middle of the week, I had found out I had been nominated for a recognition by the Jackson County Chamber and so many quotes and thoughts danced through my head for a column showing gratitude for the nomination. As the end of the week rolled around, I learned of false statements being made again on The Graceville News’ subscriptions numbers by others in the area causing me to go into fight mode ready to defend and write a huge column verifying my numbers and just how many people our newspaper reaches. And then Friday happened.
My husband took my mother-in-law to the Emergency Room, she thought she had food poisoning. That actually turned out to be a torn abdominal aortic aneurysm and by the time a helicopter had flew her to Gainesville for emergency surgery it had become a ruptured AAA. Just before midnight the doctor called and let Ms. Donna tell my husband she loved him, as he told her the same and that he was on his way. We were almost to Tallahassee when Gainesville called back, a solemn doctor on the other end gently stated the four words you never want to hear, “She didn’t make it”. And with those four words everything I thought was important last week suddenly become nothing important.
Ms. Donna didn’t wake up planning to die, nobody truly does. She didn’t know last Sunday was her last in church because I know if she did, she would have been running up and down those aisles to that alter praising His name. I’m sure if she had known that last week was her last week, she would have made a few more phone calls to old friends, reminisced with Dennis on his childhood, and held on to Desi just a little tighter at every hug. I’m sure she thought she had time, that she’d have another Sunday singing with Desi by her side, another rainy day that was just the right time to eat a bowl of dumplings, another text to her brother, another Hellfighter’s Fellowship Dinner watching Dennis serve the Lord, and another trip with her “Golden Girls”. Those are the thoughts I have now, all the things she was supposed to do, because truth be told it doesn’t matter how prepared we say we are, nobody wakes up planning to die that day.
There is a county song by Toby Keith with a lyrics that state, “So play it sweet in heaven. 'Cause that's right where you want to be, I'm not cryin' cause I feel so sorry for you, I’m cryin’ for me.” The truth is a lot of crying has been done these past few days. My husband is barely over 40 and has now lost both his parents. My sweet Desi is absolutely devastated. At nine years old she hadn’t truly grasped the concept of death and its permanency. In her little world there was still a happy ending at the end of every story and her innocence was still intact. Saturday morning, I watched as eight little words, “Nonna went to Heaven to be with Jesus” took away that innocence. I think that was the hardest thing I’ve done thus far as a parent - breaking my daughter’s heart.
Just as Ms. Donna wasn’t planning to die last week, none of us were planning to lose her either. If only we could know what the future holds, I’m sure many of us would laugh a little louder, love a little harder, and try a little more. I know if I would have truly thought for just one moment that day was so near, I would have been different too. The truth is though we all know that death is immanent, it is the one thing guaranteed in this life, but we all live each day like tomorrow is promised. We worry fervently about money, rivalries, politics, and who saying what about us, things that truly don’t matter. We all put off that conversation, the trip, that quick picture for another more convenient time, never realizing that next time is never guaranteed. It’s the biggest lie the devil fools us with every day… we have more time, the truth is we have no time, life is but a vapor.
I will end this with one final thought, I mourn for the life, Ms. Donna won’t live. The moments that Desi will yearn for her presence, the grief that comes with “what if” or “I would have just” thoughts, but mostly I mourn with regret because just as Ms. Donna wasn’t planning to leave this world on September 28, none of us were prepared to lose her either. However, I find comfort and eventually will feel peace in knowing that she is with Jesus and she doesn’t have this pain or regret that all those who have been left behind have, because sadly that is the sinful, cursed world we live in. Even though I cry for me, for my baby, my husband, and everyone that loved Donna, I know she has victory today and one day all those that are left behind to mourn her will be there in victory too. I love you, Ms. Donna, and we will always miss you especially Desi.
Samantha Angerbrandt
Comments